201, can you believe that?? I really couldn't.
And then I stopped going to the gym. I haven't gone in about two weeks now. I am SURE the calories are hitting 2000/day, if not more, and I've certainly had Taco Bell and Pizza.
I wondered, psychologically, what the heck is wrong here. Is there a FEAR of losing the weight? Did I not like myself when I was thin?
Well that's not true, I loved myself, and that was most of my life. I don't like myself NOW. So what is the problem?
I know the initial problem was just that I had to take a couple days off, and as usual as soon as I hit three days away the magnet from the couch pulls me away from the gym magnet. But I can't help but feel that there was something about hitting 201 that made me stop.
I mean, at 201, it only takes another day or so before I could have gotten to 199. A HUGE milestone. And yet I gave up. WHY?
So I called the boy - no wait, I did NOT call the boy. Actually, I went a few weeks without speaking to the boy. And then I wondered if that was the key. The more I lost weight, the more flirty I got - like back to my old self flirty. I even flirted hard with my professor/friend. So was quitting the gym a subconscious attempt to make sure I remained a good girl?
But then the boy called me. And I felt happy again, and he asked if I was still going to the gym, and I admitted that I had not. But suddenly I felt like going again. Somehow he is the key. It is interesting, because I am not interested in being with that boy, I just love his friendship, but somehow he triggers the desire to run. And then I wondered if that really was it. That boy reminds me of that time in my life when I used to run and bike and swim ALL the freaking TIME. Somehow talking to him reminds me of who I used to be, and then I become that girl again.
I have a choice. I can be thin and flirty again. Or I can remain fat and unhappy. And not myself. Do I have a choice of being thin and NOT flirty? Harmless flirting never hurt anyone, but do I have that self control? It worries me. I have been a very good girl for 6-1/2 years. Will I be able to hold on to that part of this current self?
It's so hard. Either way it's so hard. I see the problem, I see the psychological problems, I realize now there are a lot of reasons behind this weight gain. But I need to get it off. I have to get back on that gym train and stay on it.
I know I've probably gained about 5 pounds back. 33% of my weight loss! But all I can do is start again. Daughter is out of school after today and she wants to go with me. She probably won't stick it out (teen girls rarely NEED to go to the gym) but if she can reverse the hold of the couch's magnet and just get me back to the gym one time, I'll be back again.
And then I'll just have to practice being a skinny GOOD girl.